Small steps
by Mirgaxus
Summary: Remus has taken up a personal mission to better the world and speak on behalf of werewolves and other misunderstood dark creatures. Sirius thinks it's stupid. (Wolfstar; Activist!Remus and Counter-productively-protective-angry-boyfriend!Sirius; Fighting & making up; Rating for Sirius's foul language)


**Author's Notes:** This scenario of Activist!Remus and Angry-at-world!Sirius demanded to be written and let out so bad that it was like the writer's block I've battled with just melted away. It felt so good to be writing again, and I'm so glad to share this story with you all.

Thank you NachoDiablo and Wereflamingo for fixing the plentiful typos and oddities

* * *

The alley behind the old, pretentious, fucking useless building full of similar kinds of people was dark. Sirius was lighting up his fourth cigarette when the backdoor next to him opened.

Remus stepped out of the building, looking weary.

Sirius wanted to punch his boyfriend's stupid, tired face. He congratulated himself on his restraint as instead he looked away with a scoff and kicked the empty soda can on the ground.

As the can rolled away, clanging loudly, Remus sighed, coming over to stand next to Sirius.

His silence was getting on Sirius's nerves. "The hostess didn't even mention your name," Sirius spat. "Introduced you as one of the beasts. Did you see her fucking face? What a condescending stupid bitch. And when she giggled and asked you whether you could control your bloodthirst in the room with so many humans! What did she think you are? A bloody __vampire?__ "

Remus opened his mouth, surely wanting to remind Sirius to watch his tone about vampires, or some other shit that Sirius couldn't have cared less about right now. Feeling even more angry and frustrated, Sirius continued on with his rant.

"You whored yourself out to give those people some cheap thrills, give them a chance to see a werewolf. They didn't even listen to any of your words, most of them seemed to be too busy snickering to each other, or thinking of what they'd tell their friends later. 'Oh, there was a real werewolf there, oh how exciting! It knew how to speak even, how wonderous! Wonder what other tricks it could do?' Why the fuck did you agree to this? That whole thing was so fucking pointless and humiliating! You should have-"

"If you hadn't stormed off halfway through it, you wouldn't have missed what happened __afterwards__ ," Remus interrupted him. Sirius felt a small twisted victory - finally Remus looked angry, not just resigned and exhausted and so fucking passive. His victory was shadowed though by how Remus seemed mostly pissed off at __Sirius,__ not at the unfairness of the world like he should have been. "You wouldn't think it was all 'pointless'. It's small steps, Pads, even if frustratingly small steps. But honestly, it was a big thing that they even invited me to be there today."

Sirius rolled his eyes. Remus's mouth tightened. Sirius could practically see him counting to ten before he continued. "You missed the mother of a young werewolf who came to thank me. You missed a potion maker who wanted to discuss the recipe she has been working on. You missed a man who came to genuinely thank me for giving him another perspective and something to think about. I know that the majority of the people there either didn't think much of me, or were offended that I had a nerve to step inside that building, and I certainly didn't manage to change their views with just a few words, but... I wasn't speaking there for __them__. I was there to reach out to those who could listen and understand. I was there to pave the way for others."

Sirius scoffed. "Shut up, Moony, and stop throwing your fancy words and optimism at me. It was a bullshit event, and you know it as well as I do. Even those wellwishers will just fucking forget about you tomorrow. And if some people can't see the truth on their own, you shouldn't be the one sacrificing yourself to compensate for their stupidity."

The door opened again, and a few people came out. They stopped as they saw Sirius and Remus, to gawp at them. To gawp at Remus.

Sirius glared back. When one of them rolled their eyes and snorted, something inside Sirius snapped and he yelled, "Fuck off! Nothing to see here."

The man laughed and said something to his companions. Sirius threw his cigarette on the ground and was ready to release all his pent up anger towards Remus, towards himself, towards his own helplessness against the fucking stupid world, but Remus stopped him by grabbing his arm. "For fuck's sake, Sirius-! __Don't.__ Let's get back home."

"Why? Shouldn't you go back inside already?" Sirius snarled, turning away from the retreating laughing group and focusing back to Remus. "Surely the people there are starting to miss their tame little werewolf pet?"

Remus's grip on his arm tightened, and Sirius felt the pull inside him as he was sideapparated, away from the alley and back to their flat.

* * *

"Look, I know I shouldn't have yelled at you, and maybe I should have worded some things a little, __tiny__ bit better, but can you please stop? __I'm sorry.__ This silent treatment is getting old."

Remus's back remained stiff and the man as silent as he had been since they had arrived at the flat.

"Very mature. I'm glad we are talking about this like the adults we are. Communication. What a beautiful thing it is."

Remus closed his eyes and shook his head a little bit. At least he hadn't locked himself in the bedroom, Sirius thought. Silent, angry Remus in the same room was frustrating, but better than silent, angry Remus hiding himself away.

They were sitting on the couch in their small living room, facing the empty wall where they had planned to get a muggle television one day (when they remembered). Changing tactics, Sirius moved his arm, carefully, to rest it behind Remus's back. After waiting for a moment to see that he was not getting any negative reaction, he moved his hand, just a bit, so that his fingers brushed against Remus's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, softly.

Remus sighed and finally looked at him. "Stop with the bloody puppy eyes."

"Why? They seem to have worked," Sirius said, but attempted to smooth out his smug smirk. "Sorry. I __am__ really sorry. Please, don't shut me out now. You talked with all those people. Surely I'm not worse than them."

Remus mumbled few rude words about how there was nobody worse than him anywhere, and then sighed again, running his fingers through his hair. He took a deep breath and said, "Pads... I wanted you there. I needed you there. And you just left. It hurt, and I froze and almost couldn't continue my speech after that."

Sirius's heart twisted, and he wrapped his arm around Remus properly. "I'm sorry. It... I just couldn't bear it. I wanted to hex everyone there. Just... Get up and bloody hex everyone there. I had to get out before I lost it."

Remus rested his head against his shoulder. "I know. I understand. I know why you got angry. But don't take that out on __me__."

"I'm sorry," Sirius said and kissed his head. "I just- I can't understand how you can take it so bloody calmly. How can you bear their stupid comments, their stupid questions- or rather, I know how you stand it, you think so fucking little of yourself, you ignore yourself, and I hate it, I fucking hate it when you-"

"It's not that," Remus interrupted. At Sirius' disbelieving scoff, he continued, "Okay, maybe it's a little bit of that, but mostly not."

"What is it then? How can you do it? How can you __stand__ it?"

Remus searched for words for a moment. "Because... in a way I've been always living with it. Even before I was out. Before people knew I was a werewolf."

"I'm not following."

"It was all in my head, all in my imagination and paranoia, but still, I lived with it. I was always imagining what people I met would say if they knew. I was paranoid that people could tell from looking at me what I am. I was paranoid that people I passed in corridors, in streets, were looking at me and thinking I was not like them, not normal, that I was a monster. I was anxious about what people would think about me if they knew and how they would act and how it would limit my possibilities and affect my life. And I had to learn to live with that insecurity, with that fear."

Remus fell silent. Sirius wanted to prompt him to continue, but at the same time he wanted to stop him. It was painful to listen to.

"I've had to live with these fears for most of my life. I had to learn to cope with them so they wouldn't paralyze me. I __had__ to learn to think that no matter what happened, it'd be enough that I found you guys. That it wouldn't really matter even if the whole world turned against me, because even then, I wouldn't be truly alone. I've learnt to think small, learnt to think that even if the world found out about me, maybe a couple of those people would look back and think to themselves, 'hey, actually Lupin was kind of an okay classmate, and maybe he wasn't an outlier, maybe the prejudice against werewolves is bullshit'. And so... maybe even the worst wouldn't be entirely bad. Maybe it would have some good ripples, some meaning.

So... in a way, I've prepared my whole life for this. In a strange way, living in this reality where everyone actually knows what I am doesn't feel so different from living in that anxiety inside my own head, waiting for it to happen. And perhaps, because I have you guys, I'm better prepared to handle all of this than anyone else would be. Perhaps it's my moral obligation to do this. To give a face and voice to others like me."

Sirius kissed Remus's head again and closed his eyes. "Bullshit. You should be living your own life, not doing this. But- I get it. It's important to you." Sirius felt Remus's hand covering his. He tightened his hold. "I still hate you. You stupid berk."

Remus chuckled tiredly. "So glad to have your enthusiastic support. Your insults give me strength and nourish my soul."

"I try. But just so you know, I don't like this one bit. You shouldn't have to-"

"Sometimes we have to do things we don't like doing, or things that are hard, or we betray ourselves. I couldn't stand myself if I didn't do something."

Sirius sighed and pinched Remus's shoulder, getting a slap against his thigh in return. "I'm driving myself to an early grave stressing over you and your fucking self-sacrificing ways. Fuck you. When's the next event? I'll have to get Evans to brew me some Calming Draught for it."

"Good luck with that. She knows as well as I do that you are perfectly capable of brewing your own potions."

"Yeah, but she owes me." Sirius tilted his head and kissed Remus on his temple. "Are we okay, Moons?"

Remus looked up at him and smiled softly before leaning in to kiss him gently. "Of course we are." A mischievous twinkle appeared in his eyes. "Actually, maybe I should be thankful for the scene you caused. You scored me some sympathy points. Some people came over to let me know how horrified they had been when 'that rude young man stormed off and slammed the doors behind him'. When I told one quite nice woman that you were actually my boyfriend, she gave me her floo address, told me to contact her if I needed to rant to someone about you and your bastardly behaviour. Oh, here it is. She was actually quite pretty, do you think I should call-"

It was a good thing that they hadn't got around to buying that television yet, or it might have suffered severe damage in the ensuing Battle for The Floo Address.


End file.
